Fuck You! A Diancie Halloween
by Anthony Staffenhagen
Summary: I don't know. It's Halloween and there's a plot.
1. Whatshername

Are you having a good Halloween? Well, the odds you're reading this on October 31st are pretty low, so that's actually a kinda stupid question. The reason I asked it was to segway into...You know what? Screw cheesy cliché segways, let's start over. Pretend I didn't say anything.

I, Whatshername the Inkling, am having a really shitty Halloween.

My best friend isn't here to celebrate it with me like she should be. Halloween is our day, it's when we met and we've celebrated our friendship on it every year since. But instead, she's telling some assholes that their sister isn't dead or something. Oh, and here's the best part. She didn't want to do that! Our creator, Anthony Edward Staffenhagen from Lake Stevens, Washington (a pathetic man who has the worst first name in existence and just made me give away some of his personal information despite the fact he didn't need to at all), told her to do it.

**DING DONG!**

That had better be Diancie or I am slamming Anthony in the head with my Splat Roller until he has a broken bone. Or, at least I would if I was able to get to his universe. But nope! I'm stuck being a fictional character. You people have no idea how hard we have it.

I'm walking over to the front door and now I'm opening it. GOSHDARNIT! It's just a couple Trick-or-Treaters!

"Trick or treat." they say to me, not realizing how angry I am. "You like our couple's costume?" the male one asks, making me assume the female one standing next to him is his girlfriend. "We're Ash Ketchum and May."

"Well, being that Ask and May are just friends, I can't say it's the best choice." I respond. And now the weirdest fucking thing I've ever seen is happening. The guy's flipping out and basically telling me Ash and May marrying each other if life and that I'm a bad person for disagreeing with him. He also told me to fuck off. I should be mad at him, but I can't help but find it hilarious. So, I'm laughing right in his face. Once I'm done with that, I say "We don't have any candy, so get the fuck out of Vaniville Town and never return." and slam the door.

"I told you you should've left a sign on the door." Marshadow says while pointing at me for some reason.

Me and Diancie already told him three times why we didn't put a sign up and it was a perfectly legit reason. We live in a town at the very bottom of Kalos that only has three houses (and not the shitty so-called Fire Emblem game) in it. No one should come all the way down here just to trick-or-treat. George should be the only person we get tonight. I'm not gonna tell Marshadow this AGAIN. I'm just gonna give him the finger and walk away.

**DING DONG AGAIN!**

Since I'm not in the living room anymore, Marshadow answers the door this time and it's George.

"Hey, Marshy. Can you help me out? I am very confused." the dumbass says. "I just past by a couple of people and one of them said her Halloween costume was Norman the Gym Leader's daughter but she kept calling herself May. Norman the Gym Leader's daughter is my twin sister and her name is not May. Please tell me what is going on, because I have no clue."

"Neither do the poor souls who are reading this, my dude." replies Marshadow, but George only hears Pokémon language.

* * *

It's been another 15 minutes and she's still not home! I haven't actually been bothered to check what time it is, but it feels like 15 minutes so I say it's been 15 minutes! This would totally be when Marshadow would correct me and say how long it's actually been, but I'm only talking in my head, so he doesn't know what I said. HA!

"We're going out to look for her!" I tell the others.

"Why would we do that? She's only been gone for..."

"Don't you dare finish that sentence." I say to Marshadow. "We're going out to look for her."

"We...we are?" Celebi says with sweat rolling down the side of her face. With it being the middle of the night on the scariest day of the year, she had no interest in leaving the house, to put it lightly.

Marshadow can tell how she's feeling in this moment without even looking at her, so he says "The two of us can stay here. We shouldn't all go anyway in case Diancie gets here while..."

I interrupt the dickhead by saying "Stay here all you want, guys. But I know the exact route Diancie takes to get from Reflection Cave to here, so there shouldn't be a reason we can't find her." Then I turn my head to my white and gold acquaintance and say "Let's go, Poipole."

"It's Let's Go, Pikachu, moron." he jokes. "Can we put our costumes on first?"

"NO! That would be celebrating Halloween. And Halloween celebrating does not start until me and Diancie are TOGETHER." I answer. "Now let's get going."

We've left the house and made it about halfway to Reflection Cave when I spot a piece of paper taped to a sign. It says "Whatshername, read this" and Diancie's name on it, so I'm of course taking it down so I can read it. I'm gonna read it out loud since Poipole's here too. He's looking at it from behind my shoulder, but I'm gonna read it out loud anyway. "I called the house and Marshadow told me some stuff about you I didn't know. Now that I know your secrets, I don't wanna be your friend anymore. This is better for both of us because now we can enjoy Halloween without each other around like we used to be able to."

This is obviously bullshit, so I'm crumbling the paper up into a ball and angrily throwing it on the ground. "This is obviously a prank. I bet Eureka wrote that."

"I don't know, dude. That really looked like Diancie's handwriting."

"It's a super weak fake-out to get people to want to see what happens next and keep reading. Nothing more. Now let's keep going."


	2. Diancie

Why the hell has Whatshername been the narrator? If anyone should be the narrator, it should be me. I'm the one whose name is in the title. But, I'm not really doing anything interesting. Me and Emolga are just floating back to the house. It really should just be me though. Emolga was supposed to miss the holiday because she was gonna stay with her human sister Karli in the X universe, where Halloween does not exist. But unfortunately, Karli let her come back for the night.

"Look!" Emolga shouts while pointing up at the sky. "Up in the sky! It's a Flying type! It's a plane!"

"Let me guess. It's not actually either of those things and you just wanted to throw in an unnecessary DC reference?" I say, thinking what she's doing is stupid.

"It's a DC reference? I thought it was just a thing people say."

I'm only now looking up at where Emolga pointed and...HOLY SHIT! It's Whatshername! Fuck yeah! She's falling to the ground in her squid form that I rarely see her in and she's got Poipole on her back. He doesn't seem to be enjoying the ride, if you catch my drift. Also, I heard Emolga hide in a bush. I don't know_ why_ she's hiding in a bush, but I don't care because she going away always makes me happy.

Whatshername's now landed safely and Poipole's fallen off. He's spinning around a few times and...Yep, just like I expected. He's vomiting in a bush. Please be the same bush Emolga hid in! Back on the important topic, Whatshername's returned to her...uhh..._kid_ form. Although, she's like 18 now, so we probably shouldn't call it that anymore. Actually, on second thought, who gives a shit? Now the two of us are hugging and screaming in happiness. "It is officially Halloween once again!" I say as our hug ends.

Also, Poipole's done throwing up now. "Whatshername, don't you have something to ask Diancie?" he says, still dizzy and grossed out.

"You wanna know why we didn't just wait at home?" the squid asks me.

"Sure." I respond.

"That's not what I..."

"I wanted to see you again as soon as possible, so we started lookin' for ya'." explains Whatshername. "Then I remembered, 'Oh right, I'm an Inkling,' so we just Super Jumped to you." she continues with a hint of sarcasm.

"I meant you should ask her about that letter you - - I mean, _we_ found."

"You found a letter?" I say, maybe only slightly interested.

"It looked like it was from you and said you didn't wanna be my friend anymore. That's complete bullshit, right?" asks Whatshername even though she already knows the answer.

"Of course." I say, confirming her exact thoughts.

"Told ya', Poipole!" she says while looking at the white and gold guy. "My money's still on it being a prank from Eureka." I'll bet she's right. If we see Eureka tonight, I'm gonna chainsaw the shit out of her. That's long overdue. If not, it can wait 'til tomorrow. But I don't wanna talk about that little bitch right now. We've gotta get home so we can finally start trick-or-treating!

"SURPRISE!" Emolga yells while leaping out of the bush. It's not the one that got barfed on. Damn! "Karli let me come home for Halloween!"

"She did?" Whatshername says with an eyebrow up. Not wanting to waste any more time, I'm now speeding back to the house and the others are following me. "Did she get over that whole 'being in love with someone she doesn't wanna be in love with' thing?" my Inkling friend continues.

"Sadly, no." answers Emolga.

"Then there's no way she'd let you leave to come hang out with us when she still needs your emotional support." comments Whatshername.

"Well, I don't know about that. She's a pretty nice..." Emolga starts to say.

"I'll bet she's the one who wrote that letter!" the former Inkopolisian proclaims. But I don't care about finding out who did it, especially not right now. Is solving a mystery a part of Halloween? Last I checked, it isn't. All I wanna do right now is get home, get our costumes on, and go out and celebrate Halloween.

No, wait. I lied. There is one other thing I wanna do. Since this is the first, and most likely last, time Anthony's gonna write something M rated, I am gonna fucking take advantage of the opportunity. I want to drop as many F-bombs as possible while I still can. So, here's an angry rant.

This entire fucking decade has been fucking shit! I didn't get to see the whole decade 'cause I was asleep inside the Anistar City sundial until 2013, but I've seen fucking enough of this fucking decade to fucking know what I'm fucking talking about! The two thousand and fucking tens have had fucking fidget spinners, fucking Fortnite, fucking Undertale, fucking Five Nights at Freddy's, way too fucking many fucking shitty TV shows, way too fucking many fucking shitty movies, more than fucking three fucking quarters of the population being really fucking stupid, people fucking cutting down trees, and a bunch of other fucking bullshit. There's been some good stuff too, like me meeting Celebi and Whatshername, but this is also the decade when I fucking met fucking Emolga and fucking Marshadow! It's also the fucking decade when my original best friend, a shiny Diancie, fucking DIED! And to top it all fucking the fuck fucking off, it was in this decade that I fucking learned that you fucking humans fucking trap fucking Pokémon in tiny fucking balls and fucking decide that that fucking means you fucking own them! Fuck fucking anyone who fucking does that, it is fucking horrible! I don't fucking care if the fucking victims fucking say they fucking like it, they fucking shouldn't! I am so fucking glad that the one who fucking did that to me fucking died! If it fucking weren't for fucking him and Celebi fucking liking him some fucking how, I could've fucking gotten fucking away from him a long fucking time ago and my fucking life would've been a fucking fuck ton fucking better! I can not fucking wait until fucking January 1st when this fucking decade will fucking be fucking over for fucking ever! Fuck the two thousand and fucking tens!

**FUCK!**


	3. Poipole

My turn! It's me, Poipole. I've got a DeviantArt account, UltraPineapple77. You can check it out if you want. But let's focus on the story here. I'm the one who wrote that letter Whatshername found. Sorry to just blurt it out like that, I don't know what the right storytelling-y way of saying it would be. I'm an artist, not a writer. Oh, wait. Sorry about that too. I've been told writers are a kind of artist. Let me rephrase what I said. I'm a _painter_, not a writer. I always thought "painter" and "artist" were interchangeable, but I learned recently that that's not...Man, I am really getting sidetracked. Now where was I? Oh yeah.

The reason I wrote that letter was because I was trying to get Whatshername to possibly reveal a secret. Remember how it said Marshadow told Diancie something about her she didn't know? That was just a lie, but I thought maybe it would freak Whatshername out and get her to say something like 'But I never even told Marshadow that I...' Uhh...And then that's when she'd accidentally blab her secret. You see, a few days ago, I heard her talking on her phone. The second she saw me, she panicked and hung up. I asked her who she was talking to and why, but she refused to tell me.

My plan didn't work though. But whatever. I'll wait until tomorrow to try something else 'cause I don't want it to ruin trick-or-treating. I was really looking forward to it 'cause I have the best costume of all time. Speaking of which, the six of us are all home now and we've got our costumes on. Or...wait. "Emolga, why don't you have yours on?"

"It's a costume of a DC character," said Emolga. "Can I be allowed to call myself a DC fan and be one of their characters for Halloween when I didn't know about that Superman thing?"

"Oh yeah, totally. You can't like a company just for the action scenes in their movies. You're not considered a fan unless you know every single little thing about the company's entire multimedia portfolio." Whatshername says sarcastically. Emolga is glad to hear that she was wrong and goes to get her costume on. Now I can tell you what our costumes are.

Diancie's is a pizza. I told her she should put pineapple on it, so to piss me off, she put on every single topping she could think of **except** pineapple. But I don't mind. I don't think she has anything against me, I think she just gets joy out of others being upset. I don't know, maybe. I really gotta get to know her better.

Celebi's is a mage. She's got a green hat and some stick thing made of fake wood with a Pikachu pumpkin on it. Celebi wearing this is a toy you can buy on Pokémon Center. The only reason Anthony chose to write this story was because he saw that toy and thought making it be Celbs's Halloween costume would be a cool reference.

Emolga's is Sticky Joe! "Howdy!" she says, being in character.

Whatshername's is the player character from Astral Chain. "I may have gotten fired from being a real cop, but this is the next best thing." she says. "Also, Astral Chain is pretty much the only Switch game that hasn't made me want to choke Nintendo. Even Smash made me want to when it didn't represent my species properly."

Marshadow's is the same cyan T-shirt that says 'Jack Black' on it he wears as his costume every year.

And mine, like I said, is the greatest Halloween costume of all time! I've got an afro wig, a palette, and a paintbrush. Can you tell who I am? By the look on her face, it's clear Diancie doesn't. I wish she did, but oh well. "I'm Bob Ross."

"Is that a combination of Bob Saget and Diana Ross or something? 'Cause it doesn't look like that at all." Diancie says, starting to make me a little mad.

"No, he's a real person." I say to correct her. "He's a famous artist."

"I don't care." Diancie says as she heads out the front door. "There's something else we should be talking about instead of that anyway. Before we head out, I've got an important announcement. We just gotta wait for our guest to get here."

A guest? I'm surprised to hear that and it seems everybody else here is too. "What guest?" Marshadow asks.

"It's..." Diancie smiles when she hears the doorbell ring, which is the opposite of what she usually does when that happens. She's opening it and it looks like our guest is Grace, the adult human who used to be the owner of this house before she moved to Michigan. Yeah, I know what you might be thinking. But this Pokémon universe is one where Michigan _does_ exist.

"Alright, Diancie. What's this news that was so big, you made me come all the way here to hear it in person?" asks Grace.

"I got a job!" Diancie shou...Wait. What?! I was not expecting that. There wasn't really anything in particular I was expecting, but I never would've guessed **that** in a million years. Diancie's never cared about being a contributing member of society. Why the sudden change? I hope this doesn't mean somebody's mind controlling her. It seems the others are just as shocked as I am, if not more.

"...Why would I care that you got a job?" Grace doesn't seem to have nearly as much of an opinion on it as we do.

"...Are you fucking kidding me? When you still lived here, you pestered me about getting a job all the fucking time. And now that I have, you don't care?!"

"Like I said, why would I? I don't live here anymore."

"What the shit does that have to do with it?!"

"I wanted you to get a job so you could help me pay the bills and you wouldn't just be a squatter."

"You never said I would have to give you the money I earned!"

"Yes I did!"

"You know what? Fuck you! Get out of my house!"

* * *

Okay, it's later in the night and nothing really worth talking about has happened since we've left the house. We've mostly just done the standard 'go to a house and get candy' routine. Since it's getting dark, Celebi's staring to get scared, but Diancie and Marshadow should be able to...Oh-no. It's Eureka and her friends. I bet I know what Diancie wants to do to her since she thinks Eureka's the one who wrote that note.

Ash's costume is a Snorlax, Pikachu's is a Psyduck, Clemont's is a Watchog, Serena's is a Florges, Eureka's is a genderbent version of some obscure superhero I don't know the name of, and Korrina's...Oh! Korrina's costume is a Galarian Ponyta. I heard she didn't wear a costume at all last year because she was convinced adults never dress up for Halloween. I wonder what made her come around on the idea. Whatever it was, she really went all out. This is the most realistic costume I've ever seen. I wish you could see it. I...

Oh my Arceus, what is wrong with me?! Why have I been telling you about their costumes instead of telling Diancie I'm the one who wrote the note so she won't...? And...I'm too late. She's speeding towards Eureka and she's got her chainsaw.

...Yeah, she definitely wants to slice her into pieces and keep slicing even after she's dead. The only chance at survival Eureka has is to either fight Diancie off or say something that'll convince her that what she's doing is wrong.

...Shit, Eureka's doomed!


	4. BonnieEureka

My name's Bonnie. Nice to meet you on this fine Halloween night. Diancie and her friends have probably been calling me Eureka. I really wish they would stop that. I don't go by that name anymore. Anyway, me, my big brother, a couple of my friends, and our Pokémon are trick-or-treating. I really wish Korrina could've joined us, but she's at her college roommate's wedding. But on the bright side, this Ponyta that I caught recently has really been a joy to be around. For some reason, he looks a lot different than Ponyta usually do and none of us have been able to figure out why. I don't think he's even a Fire type.

So yeah, this has been a really great night. I think Halloween might be my favorite holiday. If you've seen the episode _Scary Hospitality!_, you may know that I like scary...Oh, come on! Diancie's here and she's coming at me with her chainsaw. You know, I miss the days when the Diancie I knew most well was the one who was the princess of the Diamond Domain. She was really nice. But unfortunately, _this_ Diancie has been a much bigger part of my life.

I was able to tell you all that because Pikachu and Dedenne used Electric type moves on Diancie to protect me. "Thanks, guys."

"Wearing the same dumb superhero costume as last year, I see," Diancie says, her face making it clear that she's only trying to taunt me. "Still trying to impress that boy you're in love with by being something he likes? What part of 'He's gay' do you not understand? Also, he doesn't live in Kalos anymore, dumbass."

She's talking about my friend Lincoln. I've been told him and his BFF met on Halloween. I don't know if that's true, but I'm so tempted to tell Diancie 'cause I know it would drive her nuts. There's no way she'd be able to stand two people she probably hates meeting in such a similar way to how she met Whatshername. Maybe I'll tell her someday, but for now, I'll stick to the topic at hand. "That may be why I wore this last year, but now it's just because wearing the costume got me to like the character."

"Yeah, sure, whatever, dillhole. I'm gonna chainsaw your head off now," Diancie responds while powering up her chainsaw.

Also, you're never gonna believe this. I found out later that she saw Lincoln that night too. Don't ask me why she went all the way to Michigan. When she talked to him, she referred to me as "your girlfriend" because she knew he wouldn't want her too. That's on top of the fact she knows we were never a couple. Do you know what that means? It means Diancie actually doesn't have any opinion on me and Lincoln's relationship and she just chooses to pretend to have whichever one allows her to be mean to whoever she's talking too. I'm pretty sure I've never said a swear word once in my life, but something like that really goes to show how much of an asshole Diancie is. I hate her. I. Hate. Her!

You might be wondering why I'm being so casual while somebody wants to kill me. Well, for one thing, this wouldn't have been the first time I died. But it's more because I know Diancie's not gonna do it. If she was, it would've been 5 years ago when we first started living together. You should've seen it. We would fight all the time! The years I lived with her were easily the worst years of my life and I'm sure they always will be. I wasn't unhappy all the time, but my life has gotten tremendously better since my family and friends came back to life and I moved out of that misery hole of a house in Vaniville Town.

"Diancie, don't!" Poipole shouts, causing the Fairy type to look at him. "I'm the one who wrote that letter, not Eureka."

"What?!" Whatshername shouts, shocked at him. "Why would you do that?!"

"I was trying to get you to tell me what you were talking on the phone about, okay?! I couldn't take the curiosity."

"What are you even talking about?"

"It was a few days ago. You were on your phone, you panicked and hung up when you saw me, and then you wouldn't tell me who you were talking to or what about. Don't you remember?"

"But I never...Oh, fuck no. I can't believe they're back!"

"What are back?"

"I call them mental breakdowns. I've had them since I was born. At random times, I'll lose control of my brain and it'll make me do things I never would. I haven't had one in a really long time, but I guess they're back now 'cause I must've been having one when you apparently saw me on the phone!"

"Holy shit balls that are on fire, Whatshername! That's a really serious issue! We need to take you to a doctor."

"He's right," I say. "I heard that one of Lincoln's sisters got hypnotized earlier today and she was acting like the complete opposite of her real self. Your condition is kinda like an..." My Inkling acquaintance seems to be annoyed by this conversation. "Never mind. Somebody change the subject.

"Or we could just get with the chainsawing," Diancie says while holding her deadly weapon up. We **definitely** need someone to say something.

"Nice costume, Emolga," says Ash. "Although, I'm surprised you didn't pick The Joker since he just had a movie."

Emolga just said something back to Ash in her language and now Poipole is gonna translate it for us. "She said she actually hates that movie because it's not an action movie. But if any of you have seen it, she doesn't want you to tell her anything because she might still see it when it comes out on DVD."

"Nobody gives a shit!" Diancie screams. She then turns on her chainsaw, completely oblivious to the irony that that's her weapon of choice when her best friend, Celebi, cares about the forest. How even is Celebi her friend? Diancie's nice to her, but she's anything but to pretty much everybody else in the multiverse. How is Celebi able to still like her? And why does Diancie use a weapon anyway? She's a Pokémon. She should use moves like every other Pokémon and yet I've never once seen her use one. "Don't tell me to conform to your stupid 21st century norms, you fucking bitch!" she yells at me while holding the chainsaw up to my face.

I take a quick glance over at Diancie's 2nd best friend. I see that Whatshername's eyes are each pointed in a different direction and she seems to be dizzy. I think this means she's about to have a mental breakdown. I feel bad for saying this, but I'm glad she's having one. It might distract Diancie enough that we can get away. I hate myself right now for caring more about myself than someone with a serious medical condition, but getting violently murdered is worse than temporary loss of brain control, so I guess it's okay to be greedy right now.

"Our first question comes to us from CampPoweRangeS46290," Whatshername says, but she doesn't mean to. "He asks, 'Whatshername, do your mental breakdowns have anything to do with why you wear a Skate Helmet all the time even though you don't skateboard?' No, they don't."

"Oh, God. She thinks she's on a fan Q&A." Diancie whines.

"Well, I see the changes to her brain truly can be anything," my big brother says in an analytical way.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"It's not possible to do a fan Q&A when you don't have any fans."

"Our next question is for Serena," Whatshername says. "144SquaredPlant asks 'Serena, who is your mom?'"

It looks like Serena wanted to answer that question, but Diancie interrupted before she could even speak by saying "Her mom is not Grace. That's all that needs to be known. Now all of you Eureka's Groupers get the fuck outta here. I hate all of you and don't wanna see your stupid fucking human faces." Man, I'm really glad this is all in text and not me actually speaking out loud. I would hate to have to repeat all the nasty stuff Diancie said that night.

We of course make a run for it and then Serena kneels down to my height and asks "If Diancie wants to kill you, why doesn't she just do it?"

"For the same reason she never killed me during all the years we lived in the same house. Because Anthony wanted me to still be alive. It's just one of those things there's no real reason for but the writers want it to be that way and hope that you won't notice or you agree it's for the best. It's like how the characters in Star Trek fly on the Enterprise instead of just using their teleporter. Also, I'm totally being a Star Trek character for Halloween next year. I don't know why I never have."


End file.
